A Brutally Honest Father's Day Wish List

It’s almost Father’s Day and I’ll tell you what, I don’t need another collage of some random scribblings on construction paper. Look at our fridge door already. It’s like a crafting class threw up on it. Anyway, my kids are pretty lovable day-to-day. Sometimes my eldest son says he doesn’t love me, but hey, maybe he doesn’t? At least he’s honest. The younger one is a rapscallion who has a terrific smile and also sometimes claws my face.

So it’s Father’s Day. What would I appreciate? A few things come to mind.

Breville the Dose Control Pro, $180; brevilleusa. com

It sounds like a complete waste of money but I’ll tell you, the hardest moments of my day are the first few ones before coffee. Also, I’m a coffee nerd. What’s wonderful about the new Breville the Dose Control Pro is that the automatic timer and finely tunable grind settings mean I have to think as little as possible between being roused by the children and being able to deal with it in a humanoid manner.

Riviera Woven Slip-Ons, $95; rivieras-shoes.com

I seriously can’t get enough of these shoes. It’s like your feet go on vacation. Woven, they are breathable. Leather insoled and made in Spain, they are luxurious. Here’s the thing: There are hundreds of variations and I’m going to buy as many as I can. So the real Father’s Day present isn’t that you buy them for me, since we have joint finances anyway, but that you don’t give me a hard time that I spend our savings on slip-on shoes that are only appropriate during summer

Guilt-Free Gym Membership; equinox.com

This one is pretty self explanatory. Let’s not kid ourselves. Dad Bod is dumb. I don’t want it and you don’t want it either. You know what I would like? I’d like to be able to go to the gym and not feel bad about it. Look, working out isn’t your thing. I get it. You think it's frivolous. It is actually really important to me. Also, Equinox has Kiehl’s products in the locker rooms, so we end up saving on beauty products. I’m not even asking for the membership, which I already have, I’m asking to be liberated from the guilt.

Raymond Weil Freelancer Watch, $2950; similar styles at bloomingdales.com

We’re not millionaires. We’re not even hundred-thousandaires. So I’m not asking for some silly expensive watch. This one runs about two thousands dollars, which, I checked our account, we totally have. (We’ll even have 32 dollars left over for the kids' 501 account.) Raymond Weil is a young company, founded only in 1976 and it’s not part of a massive parent company. That’s one reason I really like them. Also, this is a handsome watch. It’s not too aggressive and not too meek. Also, if you get me this watch, I won’t have to take out my phone so often to check the time and then we won’t fight about how I’m always on the phone!

Bonobos Americano Shorts, $85; bonobos.com

I want an above-the-knee short in a light color and I would like the following:

• Recognition I am not a selfish father for not wanting the kids to climb on me with their filthy shoes on my lightly colored shorts.
• An acknowledgement that though these shorts are quite short I needn’t be reminded of it because clearly I know that (I’m the one who asked you to buy them for me). So when you say “Woah, those are short!” what you are essentially saying is that they are too short. Ok, maybe they’re too short for you. But not for me. And I would never in a million years criticize something you like to wear if you like wearing it.

By purchasing these shorts for me, what I’m really looking for is the recognition that even if something is not to your taste, you love me enough to want me to be happy, too. These shorts are $85. But feeling loved is priceless.